Hello Again!

So about three months ago I realized it had been about three months since I last posted. So this is what I began writing:

"So it has been just about three months since I last posted anything here. I had had plans of writing on very particular days such as my daughter's second birthday, my mommy's birthday, my husband's birthday, the conclusion of my spring semester, the day of my younger brother's graduation, etc, and reflecting on the day, the memories, and the things I felt through experiencing each day. Unfortunately however, the stresses and time commitment of being mommy to a crazy two year old, taking care of a home and a dog, planning a surprise party, and adding sixteen credit hours of school for eight weeks made life insane for quite a while, putting the kabash on my plans for this blog.

Well, it's been three months since my last post, and about a month since the Spring 2011 semester ended, so it feels like now is the appropriate time to catch up and begin anew upon this lovely platform.

In my last substantial post, I wrote about the stress and insanity I had been feeling and the things I had chosen to do in order to deal with life's craziness. Well, meditating on my own did not go so well, since focusing on my breath made me fall asleep because it's what I have used for years in order to fall asleep at night. So in planning my final semester at COD during summer 2011, I opted to look for a meditation class in which I could at least learn about the practice. Well, I must say, I lucked out like no other because I found Social Science 1800 which is Meditation 1101, taught by John Cianciosi."

Well it's been three months since I started that post, and it's now September!!! Where has all the time gone??? I have since completed my AA degree at COD, it's only taken four freakin years! And I still have yet to find a job. BOO. So since mid-August I've been 100% stay-at-home mommy and wifey while the lovely hubby has FINALLY gone back to school because his company is paying for it, thank the big man upstairs! I guess life really does work itself out in strange ways. So I am forgoing on my little catch-up post, as I no longer see the need for it since SIX FREAKIN MONTHS have passed and far too many things have happened. You've been given the most important info here already, and I prefer to write about the here and now and how I've been viewing the world and me in it lately.

Hope you enjoy the next post!
~KDBugs

Some of my favorite current songs/music videos

Because it's hysterical, and because Trace Adkins is a sexy man...
"Brown Chicken Brown Cow" Trace Adkins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzQ4qdlhurc

Laid back, feel good party music
"Smoke a little smoke" Eric Church
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxWjtWONuGc

Because he is AMAZING and this song kicks serious butt!!!
"Dirt Road Anthem" Jason Aldean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ5IIDn_JXE

Song is so true, she is awesome, and the video is hysterical (by the way, that's miss Miranda Lambert and her gals Kelly Pickler, Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum, and Laura Bell Bundy... kick ass group of ladies!)
"Only Prettier" Miranda Lambert
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Pp66FNd54M

Overcoming stress and learning to manage it properly...

So it's been about two weeks again since I last wrote. I've been working on the condo, getting some early spring cleaning done, and preparing for my next 12 credit hours worth of classes to start (since I was already enrolled in one 4 credit hour class that started in January). Lately I've been very stressed out. I think it has been a huge combination of dealing with the anniversary of my grandmother's passing, dealing with the fact that my home is not always PERFECTLY neat and orderly, dealing with the anticipation of being enrolled in 16 credit hours this semester when the minimum for full time is 12, and maybe a hint of PMDD and the fact that I have a nearly two-year-old running around (where the hell did THOSE two years go???).

In all I have been very on edge lately; easily aggravated, angry a LOT, easily saddened, and emotionally drained basically. The thing about it all is, I could not for the life of me figure out why I kept getting so angry and frustrated with the smallest things in the world (i.e. the fact that I couldn't open a juice container, the fact that I couldn't get a drywall anchor into the wall of the closet, etc.) and upset and ashamed over what seemed like nothing (i.e. the fact that the inside of my car was filthy after months of driving around in Chicago winter weather, a toddler throwing and spilling food all over the backseat, and a massive fur-ball of a dog I call a pet riding in the front seat and shitting on my hat!).

My lovely cousin recommended about this time last year that I read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More in order to learn to let go of the little things that I have no real control over. I learned a hell of a lot about how to deal with my relationships with others, and how not to let their baggage get me down. However, I apparently did not learn much about how to deal with my relationship with MYSELF. So I've decided I need some form of an outlet, and some way to relax regularly and manage my stress level appropriately.

My BEAUTIFUL cousin/MOH and me on my wedding day. Oh! and the Hubby...

My same lovely cousin practices Buddhism (sofar as I am aware), and has recently learned Reiki (which I am THOROUGHLY interested in and excited about learning more about from her awesome ass!) On my wedding day, we were waiting in the bathroom/locker room/ lounge area of the wedding hall a few minutes before the ceremony began, and my chest turned bright pink with nerves (my mother and I, and many of the other crazy women on my maternal grandmother's side turn bright pink or red when they are nervous, infuriated, or stressed)... I... was stressed and NERVOUS! My lovely MOH/cousin came to me and said (and I paraphrase) "do me a favor, and take some very deep breathes with me, it will help with the pink in your chest" (btw, I love her for being such an awesome MOH throughout the entire day, I don't know anyone else who would have thought about calming a brides nerves enough to clear the pink in her skin so that it doesn't show in pictures!). And what would you know, it worked! There was no sign of pink or nerves in any of the photos, and it was cleared within about two minutes before I walked down the aisle!

So after speaking to my lovely guru crazy cousin whom I love about my INSANE stress levels, I have decided to learn some meditation, and have taken advantage of my lovely Silent E's interest in wanting to learn yoga as I have wanted to for some time.

Goals for mediation and yoga: Learn to manage my stress appropriately rather than lashing out, holding feelings in,
or becoming overwhelmingly upset and angry; to become more at peace with myself, my life, and its circumstances; to
become more aptly able to deal with the roller coaster of life efficiently and effectively.

Here is the website I have started with my meditations, I plan to do some research and purchase a recommended book that will help guide me further. http://www.how-to-meditate.org/why-learn-to-meditate.htm/

Also, here is the website for The Yoga Boutique which is where Silent E and I will be beginning our awesome yoga experience together! http://www.theyogaboutiquechicago.com/

Also, an update on my search for personal care products that are green, natural, and SAFE: I started with the Burt's Bees brand, since I already had some Baby Bee shampoo/bathwash for my little one. So far, I am pleased with the Baby Bee line, as I have been using the Baby Bee Tear Free Shampoo & Wash, and the Baby Bee Original Nourishing Lotion on my little peanut. It smells good, doesn't hurt her eyes, and moisturizes well. Best of all, there's not Phthalates, parabens, or petrochemicals, and it's hypo-allergenic!

I have also been using Burt's Bees More Moisture Shampoo and Conditioner with Brazil Nut and Pomegranate, which I must say I am not very pleased with. It has a very bitter, almost pukey smell to it, and the shampoo tangles my hair and makes it stick together during wash. The conditioner works well, but it still has that icky smell to it. I also decided to use the Burt's Bees Radiance Exfoliating Body Wash with royal Jelly and Jojoba beads, along with the Radiance Body lotion with royal jelly. I must say, I'm not very pleased with either one. The Body wash is OK, it doesn't smell bad, but it doesn't exfoliate as well as I would like it too and it's pretty watery. The lotion I'm not very pleased with at all, as it is also very watery, and doesn't moisturize as much as I need it to. It also has a funny smell to it which reminds me of a snack my mom used to make around Christmas time (oyster crackers baked with some particular herbs and seasonings... not something you want to smell like). Also, the lotion contains natural mica which is "to enhance skin tone". However, although I do not mind a hint of sparkle on my skin, it took nearly three showers without using any of the Burt's Bees lotion or body wash to get the mica off of my skin... gross! Overall I must say, I am pleased with the Baby  Bee line, however, I could definitely do without the More Moisture line of hair cleansing products and the Radiance skin care line. But I won't give up on Burt's Bees yet, as soon as I'm through with my stinky purchases, I will replenish with yet another shot at Burt's Bees line, as there are many more options to choose from!

By the way... song of the day today is Darius Rucker's "This". The lyrics say it all...

In Loving Memory...

My High School Graduation
(L2R: My Brother, Dad, Me, Mom, Brenna, Gram)

Today marks the end of the first year that my family has gone without the physical presence of my maternal grandmother, Charlene Dianna Ogurek. As of February 24th, 2010, we lost her to an extremely long and ongoing battle with cancer. As I said here on the date of her birth, she was a truly amazing and inspiring woman with great determination and respect for herself and others. The past year has been very difficult for my family and me, as we had to learn to go on without the most tender, loving, compassionate heart that we will probably ever know in our lifetimes.

Words could never do my Grandmother justice; she was a loving and caring daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and friend who would do nearly anything she possibly could for those she loved. On the evening of my Grandmother's passing, her children decided it would be most appropriate for each of her seven grandchildren to say a few things about her on the day of her funeral. Although the impact she had on our lives could never even begin to be described, here is what I wrote about some of my fondest memories of my "Gram":

As I look back on the twenty precious years I was given with my grandmother, it truly warms my heart to know I had the pleasure of doing so many wonderful things, simply because she was a part of my life. I was given the glee of a small road trip every time we went to Grandma's for a visit. I had the fun of celebrating so many birthdays just by having lunch and picking out a new outfit with her. I was given someone to talk to for hours at a time while doing puzzles every time my parents were out of town.

I had daydreams of stories of the "Becker Brats" and Uncle Bob setting Aunt Betty on the sprinkler when she was all gussied up to go out. I spent summer days at her house planting in the gardens and cleaning up the yards. I spent April weekends in the dining room painting easter eggs with my brother and cousins. I spent afternoons interviewing her about WWII for many history papers over the years.

I spent hours helping my mom plan surprise parties for my gullible Gram, and many summer days traveling Europe and exploring with my two best friends. And I had the pleasure of witnessing the shear joy and amazement that swept across her face as she met and held her first great-grand-baby for the very first time.

Painting Easter Eggs at Gram's

My grandmother was an amazing woman who taught me so many things. She taught me how to knit and to sew. She taught me to "buck up" and be strong when things got tough. She taught me to always remember where I came from, and to love and cherish my family no matter their imperfections. She taught me to forgive, and that it was okay to trust again. She taught me to move forward, to aspire, accomplish, and persevere. She taught me to be gracious and accepting, and to have faith not only in God, but in myself.

My grandmother taught me to dream, and encouraged me to accomplish so many things in life. She didn't just preach to me about all of these things, she taught me through example, and by leading a life she was proud to own. She gave me the best friend anyone could ask for, and the greatest grandmother anyone could have.

The Becker Brats
(L2R: Marlene, Charlene (Gram), Betty, Judy Becker)

She was my only grandparent I ever really knew, and I am so grateful to have so many fond memories of her, and to know what a grandparent should really be. My grandmother had such an amazing impact on my life and on those of so many others, that there is not a soul on Earth who could ever describe her or the shear awesomeness of the things she accomplished in her lifetime and truly do her any justice. My only hope is that my daughter has the joy and happiness of creating as many wonderful memories with her "MiMi" as I did with my "Gram".

My grandmother absolutely adored my daughter. Every time we went to visit her at the rehabilitation center she was staying in when she became very ill, I would walk into the room with my Gracie and Gram's eyes would just light up. She always said aloud, "There's my sunshine!" Gracie always brightened Gram's day, and Gracie loved to sit next to Gram in her bed.

Gram passed away about a month before Gracie started walking, and about a month and a half before Gracie's first birthday. As I watched my baby girl take her first steps, I was ecstatic. But as I sent out a mass text message to let everyone know the news, I began to sob. I wanted so badly to dial my Gram's number and share my amazement with her. At Gracie's party, I found myself wanting to curl up and cry, and give anything for Gram just to be there celebrating with us. but in my heart I knew she wouldn't miss it for the world, and I knew she was there in some way experiencing all of this with us.

My Baby Shower
(L2R: My Husband, Me with baby, Gram, Mom)

A few weeks into the year, my mother and I had gone wedding dress shopping, and finally found one to purchase. That day, I went to visit Gram at the rehab center, and told her about the dress. She smiled at me and said, "You know I'm going to be there, Katie. I will be." I laughed and said to her, "You better be! Or you and I are gonna have some words."

Needless to say, planning nearly my entire wedding after my grandmother passed was extremely difficult for me with that memory fresh in my mind. I knew she would be watching over me that day, and would "be there" for every second, but I couldn't help but have quite a few moments on the day of my wedding where the tears just streamed down my face. I wore her bracelet, had a broach of hers on my bouquet with her picture in it, I carried her handkerchief, and had a bouquet of roses placed on a chair beside my grandfather at the wedding. As much as it hurt for her not to physically be there, I was grateful for the fact that she was no longer suffering. I miss Gram every day, and think about her even more. At times I can't help but stare at my daughter as she plays and think about how much she brightened Gram's days.

Me and Gram

About three days before Gram passed, and the day before she asked for the morphine, I sat beside her and held her hand trying my hardest to be strong and not weep at her bedside. Gracie began to get upset so my mom offered to take her for a stroll in the hallway. As I sat there and just stared into Gram's eyes she squeezed my had and smiled at me. I said to her, "I love you, Gram", and she smiled again and squeezed harder as she whispered, "I love you too." As a tear rolled down my cheek I realized I had nothing else I could say to her, that was all I felt and all I wanted her to know from me. Those were the last words Gram and I spoke.

In Loving Memory of Charlene Dianne Ogurek

January 25, 1935 - February 24, 2010

Song of the Day: Miley Cyrus' "The Climb"

ANOTHER NEW Feature!!!

After coming across a link to the website "Feministing" on my cousin's FB page, I have decided it is appropriate to add a section on this blog that displays links to articles dealing with controversial issues. This section is titled "The Right Thing", and is featured below "Song of The Day". Any time I come across an article that I feel is worth sharing because it involves an action which I feel is the "right" thing to do, I will add a link to the article in this section so that it can be shared.

The first link featured in this section is to an article titled "Breaking: Obama pronounces DOMA unconstitutional, asks DOJ to cease defending the law". This is a huge news for the gay community, as the person in the highest position of office in our country is defending the community's rights, and fighting for its equality. I am a strong supporter of equal rights for all; who are we to judge another based on their differences? What kind of nation would we be without diversity?


Thank you for your continued support of the gay community, President Obama. Congratulations to my friends and family members, another step in a road to equal rights.

~K.D. Bugs

NEW Feature!!! "Song Of The Day"

Nearly everyone who knows me realizes how much of a HUGE music fan I am. I grew up with the radio on constantly, and developed a taste in music to match both my father and my mother. I participated in choir from the day I was old enough to (about third grade) all the way through high school. I also joined the orchestra in fourth grade and learned to play the viola.

Violin vs. Viola
(The Viola is larger than the violin, but is
played in the same fashion. There are also different
strings on the Viola than the Violin, which creates
a deeper range of notes)

I can still remember the day our instructor came to class to introduce us to the instruments of the orchestra. She asked for volunteers to come try and hold the instruments, and I remember standing in front of the class with this beautifully old and broken-in viola thinking "THIS IS AWESOME!!!" I played viola from that day up until my freshman year of high school, where I decided I wanted to learn to play double bass (the giant cello-looking thing that you stand behind to play, yes! Imagine tiny little me playing a big old thing like that!).

In middle school, I dug out my dad's old acoustic guitar and taught myself to play. I convinced my parents to buy me an electric bass, and eventually bought myself an electric guitar (which I still own today). I formed numerous bands and participated in nearly every school show I could get into. I loved to perform...

Freshman year of high school was tough socially, and sophomore year brought on scheduling conflicts with classes, so orchestra got sent to the back burner. There was a semester that I decided I wanted to forgo choir, and I was MISERABLE the entire time!!!

Well, college happened and life did too, and I gave up orchestra for good, and I could not find the time to participate in a choir, nor did I have anyone to start a band with, so performing kind of hit the road too. But I still play guitar occasionally, and I sing CONSTANTLY.

http://shogoesbang.deviantart.com/

I could not imagine a world where I could not sing or listen to music, you would have to put me in a straight jacket, as music is my way of coping. I've learned that music has a huge effect on my day, and it allows me to experience feelings that I may not particularly want to experience at that very moment. I find deep connection with song lyrics, and love deciphering the story of a song and its poetry.

So I've decided to share a new feature here, it is called "Song of The Day". Each day I will chose a song that fits what I have been thinking about that day, what I am talking about on here, or what reminds me of someone I know or something I've experienced. All in all, these are songs that hit me emotionally, that I thoroughly enjoy the message of, and which I feel needs to be shared. The links for each song will be posted below the "About me" section of this blog, and I will hope to touch on the song and its topics in my posts for that day.

I begin with Miranda Lambert's new single "Heart Like Mine". I fell in love with this song the minute I heard it, and feel that the lyrics give a huge glimpse into the world of me. The message I get from this song is: Don't worry about what other people think of you, live your life the way you see fit and make yourself happy, because in the end, there is only two people whose opinions matter, and that is yours and your maker's.

I hope you enjoy this new feature as much as I enjoy sharing the music that I love.

Television, ASL, Marlee Matlin, Amazing Friends

I have never been a big fan of Television. I've never taken time out of my life specifically to watch a particular show regularly, nor have I been a big fan of having a television in nearly every room, nor have I spent major amounts of time watching television. Then I became a Mommy...

Sitting at home nearly all day, every day, with a little one running around constantly, it's difficult not to turn on the T.V. and just veg for a bit during nap time. So I began watching the general channels you get with an antenna now that cable has gone digital, as my husband and I hadn't had cable until very recently (like the last three weeks or so), when my daughter went down for a nap. She generally naps around the time that the CBS show The Talk comes on, and so I began watching daily.

We recently got cable, and now I have the lovely power of the DVR, so it's no biggie if I really want to watch the lovely ladies but I have something to do around 1pm because I can just record it and watch it later. Well, since the crazy snow storm they are now calling Blizzard 2011, I have fallen behind on my lovely show. So last night, I was trying to catch up a bit, and I made it through about three episodes. This is the episode I ended my night with:  http://www.cbs.com/daytime/the_talk/video/?pid=GSj_CUkPKeIWhclc9zrQ9osMUgoKRshf

The episode aired Thursday, February 3rd, 2011, and featured actor Jim Belushi and Oscar winner Marlee Matlin. I can honestly say, I really didn't know who Marlee Matlin was, I vaguely remembered from the show CSI, and I remembered she played a deaf woman on the show, yet I had no idea she was actually deaf until last night.

http://www.marleematlinsite.com/lifebio/lifebio.html

After doing a bit of research on her "official website" as they call them, Matlin was born and raised in Morton Grove, IL, not far from where I grew up. She also apparently studied criminal justice at Harper College in Palatine, IL, which is where my late grandmother attended college. Small world...

I was deeply inspired by Matlin's interview on The Talk, as the ability to communicate with someone who cannot hear you has always fascinated me. When I was in elementary school I learned simple finger spelling, the alphabet, and some basic signs from a friend of mine whose aunt was born with Down Syndrome, and had difficulty communicating through verbal speech. This was a truly valuable life lesson, which I learned at a very young age. As a girl who came from a family who had great respect for those who "different", I was raised to treat everyone with dignity and respect, and was continually told that it is inappropriate to stare at people with "disabilities", as I should treat them as I would treat any other human being who did not face the same life obstacles.

I was so moved by Matlin's responses to the women on The Talk when asked about raising her children with sign language, being in the entertainment industry as a deaf woman, and ultimately about her life. She is a woman who never labeled herself as disabled, yet had a sense of humor about the fact that she cannot hear much. She strove for everything she wanted, and lived her life the way she chose, not accepting her obstacles as a label, but embracing them as learning experiences and opportunities to grow.

I was deeply touched by the relationship Matlin had with her interpreter, who she has been working with for nearly 25 years!!! A very good friend of mine is studying ASL at Columbia College in Chicago, as she wants to become an interpreter for St. Jude's Children's Hospital, and I have always been amazed at how well she handles the challenge of learning what is essentially a second language to her. I did not quite understand the passion she had for wanting to become an interpreter until I watched this episode.

I am truly inspired by these amazing women. Matlin is inspirational not only to the deaf community but to the world as a whole; as she said on The Talk, "Why anything stop me from doing what I want? Just because I"m deaf... I'm not gonna sit back and be afraid, or be a victim, that's not my style." Her determination and her respect for herself is beautiful and heartfelt, while her energy, humor, and enthusiasm is refreshing and exciting.

As a friend of someone who is so deeply committed to and inspired by the deaf community, and as a mother striving to teach her child basic ASL from infancy, I have found an even greater respect for people like my girl (we'll call her Silent E), and the deaf community. Keep on being fabulous, determined, and inspiring. It is truly phenomenal.

A short story...

My husband and our daughter
(July 2009)

Mommy puts baby down for a nap. Mommy does some homework while said baby is supposed to be napping. Baby decides sitting in her crib and screaming as loud as she can and knocking on the window at people outside is more fun. Baby continues to do this for two hours until Mommy decides it's a good idea to change said Baby's diaper and get a new bottle for Baby. Once Baby's bottom is no longer stinky and Baby has a brand new, full bottle of milk, Mommy and Baby sit in the reading chair in the living room to read a book. Much to Mommy's dismay, Daddy comes home and foils Mommy's attempt at calming Baby. 

My Infamous "Fat Dog" Harley and Myself
Like many, Harley enjoys a good snooze
in the hammock with her owner.
Pathetic.
(June 2008)

Baby jumps off Mommy's lap to greet Daddy at the door. Mommy decides to resume her studies. Daddy goes to the bedroom to change out of his work attire, while Baby continues to play in the living room. Suddenly, Baby decides to take off running down the hall. Mommy decides this is alright because she knows Baby is going to look for Daddy, where she will find him in the bedroom. When Baby and Daddy do not come back down the hall within a few minutes, Mommy decides to make sure everything is okay. She finds Daddy and Baby laying in Mommy and Daddy's bed drinking a bottle. Mommy decides to snuggle with them on the other side of baby, but Baby decides to push Mommy away. When Mommy asks Baby, "Oh! So you don't want Mommy to lay with you?" Baby pushes Mommy away further. When Mommy asks, "You want Mommy to go away?" Baby shakes her head yes... Mommy sees where she ranks. I guess I'll just go snuggle with the dog, at least I know I'm HER favorite.

"Catch-Up"; The game which consumes my life

So it has been quite a while since I last wrote. I blame it on the fact that I tend to procrastinate, the fact that I rarely keep goals for myself because I'm too worried about keeping my house clean and my nearly-two-year-old under control, and the fact that I have a tendency to develop writers block after having written just a few things.

In my last post, I wrote about finding clarity. Life is immensely confusing, that's all there is to it. In this day and age, there is such a plethora of information at your fingertips that nearly anyone with a half-working brain and the ability to comprehend "double-u, double-u, double-u, dot" can put out there, it's extremely intimidating and overwhelming just attempting to figure out whether or not a single product is safe. I find it extremely discouraging to be bombarded with so much contradicting information because everyone has an opinion and the ability to make it heard. Granted, I believe that everyone has the right to be heard, I just find it difficult to decipher the hidden-agendas of others when I'm in search of information. The constant question running through my head is "who/what/why should I trust... (fill-in-the-blank)?"

I find myself at a loss of judgement when it comes to believing things that I read, hear, see, etc. But I've always been this way. Since I can remember, I have always had major trust issues. I guess in part, it can be attributed to growing up and constantly hearing the phrase, "you can't always believe everything you hear/read", and possibly to the fact that there have been very few people in my life who have kept a promise made to me or someone I care deeply about. And I bet it doesn't help that virtually every person I ever dated (minus my husband) cheated on me and broke my heart on top of it, while virtually every friend I had in high school stabbed me in the back and made my life a living hell for three years.

So why are people so horrible to each other? Why do we lack the ability to treat each other with dignity, respect, and compassion? Why do we have events like the Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Northern shootings? Why do we lack the intelligence and willingness to help others in need, or to provide everyone with the EXACT SAME dignity, rights, privileges, and punishments? Where in history did we f*#k up and learn to hate on another? Where did we learn the idea of intolerance, injustice, slavery, abuse, violence against one another, and plainly, just the ability to hate? I understand dislike, but I do not understand hate and intolerance? Who are we to say we are better than one another and hoard the beauty of life and deprive others of so much? And what do we have to show for it in return?

I feel ashamed at the thought that I cannot think of a single time in recorded history that there was not an injustice, intolerance, or hierarchy of humanity. Where did we learn to become so selfish and loathing? And is there even a shard of hope for a future of PURE and TRUE equality throughout the world?


While this is not a picture I like, it is a picture of the absurd reality of the world's situation. How is it possible for so few to have so much while so many have so little?

 While I could not be any more greatful for the life I have been given, and for the health and happiness of my family. I cannot help but feel guilty and ashamed of the fact that while I think my life becomes difficult at times,there are billions of people throughout the world who don't even come close to being as fortunate as the most unfortunate people in America. I can't help but wonder why only a few particular countries have been capable of achieving so much and depriving so many. In all honesty, it disgusts me, yet I am a contributing factor to the inequality of the world.

Clarity

So, life has become quite hectic in the past three years or so, and I feel as though I have become a bit lost. Despite the fact that I have had most of the happiest moments of my life so far in these past few years, they have also been some of the most difficult, as there has been no financial or emotional consistency. Life has been a major roller coaster ride and a whirlwind blur of emotions and events.

A dog who shits while he pisses.
A true multi-tasker here!
If only life's confusion were as simple as
a miscommunication between your bowels..

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a huge rush to get my life over with, it's like that Alabama song "I'm in a hurry to get things done, oh I, rush and rush until life's no fun... All I really gotta do is live and die, but I'm in a hurry and don't know why..."

Since June of 2007, I graduated high school a whole year early, went straight to college, competed in a bunch of swimming/diving competitions and worked my way up to nationals; I dated around, partied a bit, then fell in love with my childhood crush, got pregnant, engaged, moved out of my parents' house, moved back into their house, rehabbed a condo, moved into the condo and out of my parents' house for good, quit my job, had a baby, (keep in mind all of this while still working), moved into a house, moved out of the house and into my husband's parents' house, lost my grandmother to cancer, moved out of their house and back into the condo, planned a wedding, turned 21, got married, (still in school...), and now I'm here.

My husband and I (July 2008).
Trace Adkins concert at RibFest.
One of the last times I felt as though
life was completely in order.

It's the end of January 2011 already, and I feel like the biggest moments of my life have just completely flown by me. Originally my goal for this blog was to tell others about how I am trying to change my home and make it a more healthy environment not only for my family and guests, but for the world as well by using earth friendly, natural products, and to document how the changes were going for myself and my family. However, after a bit of self-reflection and some bad news, I feel as though despite the fact that I've found completely new sides to myself that I never knew existed since life decided to become a blur, I have lost a bit of myself as well. I've become confused about my entire life, I don't feel confident in my decision-making abilities, I've been lacking the motivation to get simple tasks done like cleaning the house or emptying the dishwasher. All in all, call me crazy, but I think I've become burnt out. I feel like the speed of the last three years has taken a major toll on my confidence and my creativity.

NJCAA Swimming & Diving
National Championships 2008
There has never been a moment in my life
where I have felt more focused than that day.

So, my goal for this blog is to document the journey of a stay-at-home mom, wife, and full-time student toward learning more about herself, her family, the world around us and everything it has to offer. From simple humor, to tackling global issues, to home decorating, childrearing, education, and everything I can possibly think of, I hope to tackle one topic each day, be it researching or trying a new product and writing about it, to giving a glimpse into the hilarity of motherhood, my hope for this blog is to touch the hearts, minds, and souls of others, and to hopefully gain some insight into what it is I am meant to do in this life. I am beginning a search for clarity, balance, and selflessness.

Welcome to my virtual vision board. Enjoy what is to come.

~K.D. Bugs

Motivation and Inspiration

Today would have been my Grandmother's 76th birthday. She passed away last February, after an amazing, grueling fight against multiple boughts of cancer that lasted nearly thirty years. My Gram was an extremely amazing woman; born with a mobility issue after her umbilical cord cut off most of the circulation to her feet, my Grandmother spent the better part of her childhood in and out of hospitals, and relatively bedridden due to various surgeries. I don't think she never knew a life without some sort of physical pain.

Left to Right: Me, My Grandmother, Cousin Brenna

Gram (as I called her) lived with the fact that people stared at the way she walked, she lived with the thought of knowing she could not physically participate in athletics, she lived much of her life during a time that was widely inaccessible to individuals with physical impairments. Yet, thanks to yet another amazing woman in our family (Gram's mother), my Grandma never pitied herself, never sought sympathy, never complained, never hung her head in shame. My Gram got married, she had two beautiful daughters (one of which is my lovely mommy), lived through an abusive marriage and pulled herself up by her bootstraps and sought to raise her daughters on her own. My Grandmother was one of few single mothers during her time, and was proud of what she had lived through, and had provided for her daughters.

Yet another amazing accomplishment came after Gram remarried and began raising not only her first two daughters, but a stepson, a son, and another daughter. My Grandmother was yet again one of very few of her kind, as she went back to college at nearly forty years old. She graduated and became a dietitian, which she took great pride in doing at several hospitals.

My grandmother fought and survived cervical cancer, and three battles with lymphoma. Unfortunately, a life of physical pain is never endured easily, and 75 years is a lot of fight to have for a single woman barely five feet tall. She was an amazingly warm, loving, loyal, spirited, intelligent, sincere woman who is dearly loved and missed every minute of every day.

My only hope in life is to provide as much love and dedication to my family and children as my Gram gave to the world. The greatest lesson I learned from Gram (aside from unconditional love and support) was to "Buck up" and tough it out.

Life isn't easy, and it sure as hell isn't fair, but one thing's for sure, it's one hell of a ride and it's way too short to spend unhappy.

~K.D. Bugs

Why am I doing this?

I have always been a relatively health-conscious, physically active person. I have always tried to eat healthy, stay active, and seek out appropriate health care. After all, accomplishing those things are easy when your only responsibilities are yourself, school, and a part-time job.

But my life made a complete "180" when I became pregnant and engaged at 18. In less than nine months, I became engaged, we completely gutted and renovated an 1,100 square foot condo, I moved permanently out of my parents' home for the first and only time, I both attended school and worked full time, I went on maternity leave, gave birth to my first child, and for the first time in my life, became completely responsible for myself, as well as the life of another. Needless to say, life became chaotic.

I have now been a stay-at-home mom and full-time student for the better half of two years, sporadically working part-time. Money is usually tight, so my husband and I make every effort to spend as little money as possible on nearly everything. We buy the cheapest groceries, the cheapest personal care products, the cheapest home cleaning products etc., all without any concern regarding the content of the products we purchase. The truth is, our main focus has become the monetary cost of things, rather than the physical well-being of our family. But what good has this done for us?

The answer is, nothing good has come of this frugality and lack of research. We have become fat, inactive, tired, broke, and have likely contributed to the possibilities of one of us developing cancer or some other major medical concern.

In all honesty, I was always aware of the potential risk factors (or the lack of knowledge regarding such scientific procedures) associated with foods produced or altered through genetic engineering, the risks of using home cleaning products containing harmful chemicals, and all the other potential health hazards that we as humans encounter on a daily basis. But I did not concern myself with these potential killers, instead I turned a blind eye and continued to use products that I had used for years, and continued to try new ones. It was not until this past fall semester when I sat through a group presentation in my Introduction to Sociology class that I became concerned with the amount of potentially harmful products that my family is exposed to every day.

The group presented the topic of the dangers of personal care or cosmetic items, and brought to my attention the following website: http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/

This site is so simple, yet so valuable and frightening. It lists thousands of personal care items that millions use daily, and rates them on a scale of toxicity to the human body. I was shocked to learn that so many personal care items like face and body wash, along with shampoos and conditioners contain human carcinogens (that is, ingredients that cause cancer in humans), and was deeply disturbed when I looked up the toxicity ratings of the products my husband, my daughter, and I use on a daily basis. Here are just a few that shocked me:

Johnson's Bedtime Lotion                                                                                Toxicity Rating: 6 out of 10
Johnson & Johnson No More Tears Baby Shampoo                                        Toxicity Rating: 5 out of 10
Aveeno Positively Radiant Moisturizing Lotion                                                 Toxicity Rating: 8 out of 10
Crest 3D White Vivid Flouride Anticavity Toothpaste, Radiant Mint                 Toxicity Rating: 5 out of 10

After having watched my grandmother battle cancer four out of five times, and ultimately losing her to the disease last year, it was nearly impossible for me to ignore this kind of information. These little slaps in the face only kept coming as I watched Inga Tritt explain  how any why she created her line of natural personal care products called Original Sprout (http://www.originalsprout.com/), and as I read the bottles to the products kept inside my medicine cabinet and realized the amount of chemicals my family takes into their bodies daily.

So I am now determined to make every possible effort to create a naturally pure, happy, and healthy lifestyle for my family by educating myself on the ingredients of personal care products, home cleaning products, and the processes used to produce the groceries we purchase. This is my attempt to create a naturally healthy way of life for myself and my family.

I hope you join me on this journey toward naturally pure, happy health.

~K.D. Bugs